Directly probing deep tissue activities from body surfaces offers a noninvasive approach to monitoring essential physiological processes1-3. However, this method is technically challenged by rapid signal attenuation toward the body surface and confounding motion artifacts4-6 primarily due to excessive contact impedance and mechanical mismatch with conventional electrodes. Herein, by formulating and directly spray coating biocompatible two-dimensional nanosheet ink onto the human body under ambient conditions, we create microscopically conformal and adaptive van der Waals thin films (VDWTFs) that seamlessly merge with non-Euclidean, hairy, and dynamically evolving body surfaces. Unlike traditional deposition methods, which often struggle with conformality and adaptability while retaining high electronic performance, this gentle process enables the formation of high-performance VDWTFs directly on the body surface under bio-friendly conditions, making it ideal for biological applications. This results in low-impedance electrically functionalized body surfaces (EFBS), enabling highly robust monitoring of biopotential and bioimpedance modulations associated with deep-tissue activities, such as blood circulation, muscle movements, and brain activities. Compared to commercial solutions, our VDWTF-EFBS exhibits nearly two-orders of magnitude lower contact impedance and substantially reduces the extrinsic motion artifacts, enabling reliable extraction of bioelectrical signals from irregular surfaces, such as unshaved human scalps. This advancement defines a technology for continuous, noninvasive monitoring of deep-tissue activities during routine body movements.